Monkeytale8

This article first appeared in

vol. 9, nr.3, May, 1998.

M@nkey tales by Monkeytail
Tom, Dick and Harry: I never watch TV again

I've given up watching TV. I have definitively chosen for the alternative screen. But sometimes doubt starts nagging. Am I not missing something? Couldn't there really be something worthwhile on the tube? A few minutes of the game show channel provides a cure that lasts for a considerable period.

For example, I just fell in the middle of 'Five Against Five'. An excited hostess - sporting three first names, but apparently no last name - asks a few adult males which items they think the general public expects to find most commonly in the average ladies' bag. After the candidates, overcome by nerves, give the wrong answer three times in a row, the correct solution appears on the screen. As the majority of the game channel viewers is illiterate, the studio audience is prompted to read aloud in unison:

KLEENEX, KEYCHAIN, LIPSTICK. Sick to my stomach, I withdraw to my study and log on. These days, finding a thousand players at the same time on OKBridge is no exception. The intimacy of a few years ago seems to more or less have vanished. Still, there are always a few acquaintences, people you have played with before, and who provide fond memories. More and more worldclass players show up. The other day, Tony Forrester and Geir Helgemo played against Goldman (Goldman - Soloway). Nice match, with the Americans winning handily. Recently, one can see the old fox, Garozzo, at work each night. Using the pseudonym 'papi', he plays with with (life-)partner Lea du Pont ('snabu') agains challengers. Conspicuous, too, is the large herd of Icelanders who are OKBridge subscribers. Their log-in names all start with ICE: ICEboy, ICEman, ICEbear, ICEstef.. Anyone with the slightest drop of, ...M@nkeytail in him feels at home in that environment. So I leave the tube for what it is and log in in a hurry. I'm lucky I can join a nice table rightaway. The names of my table mates have escaped me, so lets call them Tom, Dick and Harry. A cute hand to start with. As South I pick up: W/none

9 8

A K Q J 9 8 3 2

J 10 9

West
Pass
5

Pass
Pass

North
3

Pass
Pass
Double

East
4

Pass
6

All Pass

South
4

Pass

What do you lead? M@nkeytail chose

A, after which declarer rattled off the first twelve tricks:

-	A K 10 7 6 3 2 10 7 7 4 2 10
Q J 6 5 4 AQ 6 3 J 9 5 2	N W E S	5 4 - K 8 5 A K Q 8 7 6 3
-	9 8 A K Q J 9 8 3 2 J 10 9 -

Hmmm, an inauspicious sart, but the night is long, and the TV has nothing to offer anyway. Next, I'm dealt this hand:

A K J 8

K 5 4 2

5 3

9 5 3

All white, and partner, Tom, deals and passes. To my right Dick opens 1, and I decide to call 1. Harry, West, now bids 3, partner bids 3, and after two passes, West doubles. Everybody's satisfied. Harry leads the A, which is the opening salvo in the following drama:

-	10 7 6 5 2 J 10 9 K 10 8 6 2
	N W E S	-
-	A K J 8 K 5 4 2 5 3 9 5 3	-

West next leads the

Q, East wins his Ace and returns a heart, ruffed by West who now exits with the

9. I try the King, but East's Ace takes the trick. He cashes the

Q and plays another heart, ruffed by West. West cashes the

K and plays the

Q. I ruff with

10 but get overruffed by East's queen. Even before getting in, I'm down 800 already. Adding insult to injury, Tom starts to explain that a simple overcall requires a five-card suit. Downstairs, I hear mrs. M@nkeytail laughing at Who Am I?
In the meantime I've been dealt another humdinger:

K 10 8 7 6 4 3

K Q 9 8 5

After East's pass, I feel I should open this freak with 4. LHO passes, and Tom raises to 6, doubled without hesitation by Dick to my right. West leads the 2:

-	J 9 A K 4 3 K J 7 4 3 A J
	N W E S
-	K 10 8 7 6 4 3 6 - K Q 9 8 5

.
I play low from dummy and ruff East's Ace. What kind of double is this?

A and club void?

A and

A-Q? I play a heart to the ace and lead the

J. East follows with the deuce. I close my eyes and play the king. It loses to the ace:

-	J 9 A K 4 3 K J 7 4 3 A J
A Q J 9 8 2 Q 5 2 10 6 4 2	N W E S	Q 5 2 10 7 5 A 10 9 8 6 7 3
-	K 10 8 7 6 4 3 6 - K Q 9 8 5

While Dick and Harry exchange compliments about the auctions and the defense, I feel sick to stomach for the second time tonight. I disconnect and settle next to mrs. M@nkeytale on the couch in front of the TV. "Just in time, monkey, " she says, "Lucky Letters is about to start."

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