Monkeytale6

This article first appeared in

vol. 9, nr.1, January/February, 1998.

M@nkey tales by Guess Who

Bridge on the Internet with M@nkeytail
.

High Treason

It's high time to tidy up the study. This may not interest the reader in the slightest, but I spend a substantial part of my life there, behind the 'puter.

The only wallpaper I see is, well, the wallpaper, the windows through which I look out into the world are MS-Windows, and my pet is the mouse. Such surroundings tend to make one gloomy. One starts to think odd thoughts and neurotic obsessions creep in. Now's the time to underlead an ace! How about doubling them on my Yarborough (I always hold Yarboroughs)? Dummy one more time and I'll next open with 7NT!
I'm logging on again. The world can't be saved any longer anyway. Even handball generates fatal casualties, so we might as well forget it. I'm willing to bet the next 'ghostrider' [in Dutch, driver in the wrong direction, in the wrong lane- ed.] I bump into will be an Englishman. Still, taking the advice of the traffic police, I neatly keep right. My digital kitchen alarmclock has already started to develop a millenium problem, as the eggs were hard-boiled this morning.
Enough's enough, Monkeytail! A bit of bridge will do you some good!

I'm joined at the table by Hondurean, an Uzbeke and someone from Ivory Coast - though it might have been an Andorrean, a Crimean Tartar or a Lap. Incidentaaly, did you know that the laptop was invented by a Fin, a top-lap, no less!
Monkeytail is sitting South, holding his customary balanced eight-count, red versus white. Nice game, this bridge.

E/NS			@
West 3 5 Pass	North Pass Pass Pass	East 2 4NT 6	South Pass Pass Pass

Suddenly I'm thinking: "It's high time to tidy up my study" as I underlead my ace.

-	10 8 3 2 8 6 Q J Q 10 9 7 2	-
6 5 4 4 A K 9 7 5 2 K J 3	N E W S	A Q 7 A K Q J 10 9 3 2 3 5
-	K J 9 7 5 10 8 6 4 A 8 6 4	-

Declarer tries the jack, but after winning his queen the Hondurean (or Greenlander) returns a club, instead of a diamond. Fairly logical, but the triple squeeze is unavoidable.

A little later. My table company has changed in the meantime: a Tasmanian, a Guadeloupan and a Botswani, or were they the Bengalese, the Togoan and the Kazachstani? Whichever, the auction proceeds as follows:

W/Both			@
West 1 2 4	North Dbl 2NT Pass	East Rdbl Dbl 6	South 2 3 ??

The study needs cleaning badly. I double out of spite, and partner nods contently (how the hell can I tell?). After all, he's got 19 of the finest. And five trumps.

-	A 6 5 4 2 K J 6 K Q J K Q	-
K Q J 10 9 3 5 3 2 10 A J 2	N E W S	7 A Q 10 9 4 A 5 4 3 8 6 4
-	8 8 7 9 8 7 6 2 10 9 7 6 5

.
After declarer swiftly collects twelve tricks following the opening of the

K, my Tasmanian partner cheerfully chastizes the opponents by accusing them of cowardice for not redoubling. I've led a sheltered life and my upbringing has been too proper for me to start calling him names for failing to find the club lead. My rating takes a nosedive.
Still, Lady Luck starts to smile upon me again; just as I've announced my last deal - after being dummy six times running - she deals me a veritable monster. I should add that by now I've gathered around me several other nationalities: pard is a Latvian, and the opposition hails from Greenland and Tjetsjenia.
.

A K

A K Q 10 9 6 2

A K 8 .
The wallpaper is coming down; the study is rerady for this: I open 7NT and all pass. The lead is the

J, and after first producing some useless major suit cards, partner also lays down a useful singleton.

-	Q J 10 7 5 3 8 6 4 3 2 4 Q	-
K 4 J 10 7 J J 10 9 7 6 4 2	N E W S	9 8 6 2 Q 9 5 8 7 5 3 5 3
-	A A K A K Q 10 9 6 2 A K 8	-

In dummy for the last time. The story of my life. But despite the fatalism my brain is still working clearly, unfortunately. When I have no indication whatsoever, I'll look for one. Who has the highest probability of holding the red knaves? A Greenlander or a Tsjetsjenian? In my judgment the Greenlander, to my right, bnecause of the deep rooted hate of the Tjetsjenian people for thr Russians. Still, I'm not satisfied. The desire to score seduces me to lower myself to the lowest an Internet player can do: I claim thirteen tricks. When one claims, the opponents get to see the entire hand. After having my claim summarily rejected I know for certain, and full of confidence I take the diamond finesse. After it transpired that the other red knave, too, was in the Tsjetsjenian's possession, I couldn't stop myself from accusing him of high treason.

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