This the first installment - originally published in  vol. 8 nr. 3, April/May 1997 - in a new series of articles, under the heading Monkey Tales. In order to fully appreciate its content, the following explanations may be helpful. In Dutch, the @-sign is called a "monkey tail". Contrary to the practice in certain other telephone districts, line charges apply in The Netherlands when connecting to The Web, albeit (usually) at local-call rates. Nevertheless, a WWW-addict may run up a substantial bill while surfing, or playing bridge on-line, for that matter.

by Guess Who

Sorina is angry

It was a bit of a shock."The amount due will be transferred from your account on January 12, 1997." I was looking at three digits before the decimal point. "What's wrong with the telephone bill," I already heard my wife remark, "You aren't calling any sex-lines, are you?"

At least that suggestion I could refute with indignation. By definition, bridge players are only interested in one type of woman: the cardboard type. Still, there's some explaining to do. After all, one can't be on-line for forty hours a week free of charge. "Well listen, I have to write articles about it. I don't like it any more than you do, but I simply have to log on from time to time, and play some bridge. I, too, would much rather do something with the kids."

 I turn on my pc: WIN, ENTER, CONNECT, OKBRIDGE....
World Wide Waiting...
Ah, there we are. >monkeytale logged in. Processing....
Got to find a good table now, let's see. Hmmm, lots of experts. This looks okay. Sorina - advanced, free beer and chips, no smoking.
Sorina, that just got to be some exotic dark-eyed Mexican beauty, with daring third-hand openings. I join.
hi, monkeytale:))
I occupy the South seat, and in my digital imagination I see my partner Sorina file a few burrs off her red-polished nails as she proposes:
sayc pd?
y, I reply. This extremely short dialog has far-reaching consequences. We have agreed to play the inferior Standard American system, Yellow Card, which, on the European continent, has only a single adherent: the famous Amsterdam bidding specialist Rinus Balkenende. The story goes that he's tried to teach his dog this system, in vain.

Suddenly, Sorina's picture appears on the screen. A bit of a disappointment. I'm looking at a fairly swollen head, exagerrated bloomy cheeks (no smoking) and granny glasses. I quickly check the name Sorina with player info, and it transpires that her name is simply Nell, hailing from somewhere near the polar circle.
While I'm trying to deal with the shattered image of the beauty from Acapulco, we start off with three excellent scores. They 28%, We 72%
There are seven kibitzers at our table. The opponents converse in Russian, and the weirdest sentences appear on my screen.
gde pikovaja dama?
njet menha!:))) monkleytale zdra na tule...
Still, I have some reservations concerning Nelly's announced expert level when she holds the following (north-) hand:

A K x x A x K Q J A Q J x

She opens with 2 and rebids 2 after I respond 2. Because of brilliant bidding by South we end up in 6 anyway, despite three small spades in the south hand. The 2-rebid would even cause Rinus' dog to start barking!
wpp, I say after partner has collected her twelve ice-cold tricks. All Internet dummies conclude a hand with this 'well played partner,' even if the performance doesn't warrant it. Common variations are: 'nice job pd' or 'nice try dear.'

In the meantime, the score has exceeded the 80% mark, in our favor, but then the following happens. Partner, first to speak, passes and East doesn't have a bid either. Still under the spell of the daring third-hand openings, which claim so many passionate followers in Latin-America, I decide to open 3, holding:

x A x K x x x Q 9 8 7 6 5

West passes, and North has apparently discovered some extra values. She bids 3NT with

J x x  J 10 x x x A x x A 10

Suddenly, East, too, appears to be holding an opening bid, and he says "double." The -1100 showing up on the score sheet signals an abrupt end to the still young game.
monkeytale, that's not a 3C op
no, but 3rd hand, ya know...who expects pd to bid 3N with passed hand?
nice playing with u, thgt this was an exp table
>the table has been closed

Gone Sorina, gone Russians. Lonely, I've been cast back into the lobby, shaking with frustration over such an affront.
What's my problem with women? I curse the computer. One can swear at a flesh-and-blood partner, or dump a glass of luke-warm beer down his neck after such boorish behavior. But one's expensive digital friend requires more careful treatment. Besides, I once tore its keyboard into two pieces, but he didn't give a damn.
Sometimes, during these pensive reflections, it must have happened. The head had sunken onto the chest, eyelids drooped. I was aroused by the voices of two children screaming: "Daddy, wake up, we gotto go to school!!"
Shit!
>monkeytale logged out
DISCONNECT, CONNECTED TIME 9:47:11, EXIT WIN.